I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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