I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
