just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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