Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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