I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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