Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize