Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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