i just had sex bonerless
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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