Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
