Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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