I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
