I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
