you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
