He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Im part way to drunk.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
