i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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