you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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