I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
