The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
