Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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