my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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