I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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