Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
