he puts the penis in happiness.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
