Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize