I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
