I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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