my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
