Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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