Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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