we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
