I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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