I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
