did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
