From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
