when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
