That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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