Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
