Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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