apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
