my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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