Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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