you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
