theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
