I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
