Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
