As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
