My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize