so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
