I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
