My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
