K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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