i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
