Do you still have your period?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
