his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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