Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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