can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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