so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
