My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
